When Siblings Fight Over Power of Attorney: Our Family's Breakdown

When Siblings Fight Over Power of Attorney: The Mitchell Family Breakdown

*This is based on real experiences shared with us. Names and some details have been changed to protect privacy.*

Three Siblings, One Problem, No Solution

The Mitchell family used to be close. Three siblings—Rachel, Tom, and Daniel—who spoke every week, saw each other monthly, and gathered at Mum's house every Christmas.

Then their mother, Judith, was diagnosed with dementia. And everything fell apart.

"We always assumed we'd handle Mum's care together. That we'd make decisions as a family. We never imagined we'd end up in court, hiring separate lawyers, barely speaking."

But that's exactly what happened.

The Diagnosis

Judith Mitchell was 76 when the dementia diagnosis came. A retired teacher, sharp-witted, independent. The diagnosis was devastating but not unexpected—they'd noticed changes for over a year.

"Our first instinct was practical: get Power of Attorney sorted. But we quickly discovered Mum didn't have one. And when we tried to make one, the solicitor said she lacked capacity. Too late."

The Court of Protection Question

Without an LPA, someone needed to apply for deputyship through the Court of Protection. The question was: who?

Rachel's view: "I live closest to Mum. I see her every day. I should be deputy."

Tom's view: "I'm an accountant. I understand finances. I should handle her money."

Daniel's view: "I'm the eldest. Mum would want me to be in charge."

Three siblings. Three different ideas. No LPA to settle it.

The Arguments Begin

"At first, we tried to be reasonable. We had family meetings. We talked about joint deputyship. We tried to find compromise."

But emotions were high. Old grievances surfaced:

Rachel felt Tom had always been "Mum's favourite"
Tom thought Rachel was "controlling"
Daniel felt ignored by both younger siblings
All three believed they knew best what Mum would have wanted

"Things Mum had said years ago got weaponized. 'She told ME she wanted me to handle things.' 'No, she told ME she didn't trust you with money.' It was awful."

Lawyers Get Involved

When families can't agree, lawyers step in.

"Rachel hired a solicitor. Then Tom did. Then I felt I had to as well. Three sets of legal fees, all coming from... well, eventually from Mum's estate."

Each solicitor advised their client to fight for what they believed was right. Nobody suggested backing down.

The Court of Protection Process

The application became contested. Instead of a straightforward deputyship, it became a legal dispute.

What should have been:

Simple application
4-6 months processing
£3,000-5,000 cost

What it became:

Contested application
Each party submitting evidence
14 months total
£18,000 in legal fees (combined)

"We had to submit statements about why we should be deputy and why our siblings shouldn't. We had to dredge up past mistakes, past arguments, anything that made us look good and them look bad. It was character assassination disguised as legal proceedings."

What the Judge Saw

Eventually, the case went before a judge. After reviewing submissions from three siblings and their lawyers, she made observations:

"The judge said something I'll never forget: 'It's clear that all three of you love your mother and want to help her. It's also clear that none of you can work together. Your mother's money is being spent on your arguments rather than her care.'"

The Verdict

The judge appointed a professional deputy—a court-approved solicitor who manages affairs for people without family consensus.

The outcome:

None of the siblings became deputy
A stranger now controls Mum's finances
Professional deputy fees: £150-300 per hour
Family has no direct control
Every decision goes through the professional

"We'd fought so hard to be the one in charge. In the end, we all lost."

The Real Cost

Financial:

Legal fees: £18,000
Court costs: £2,500
Professional deputy fees: Ongoing (thousands per year)
Money that should have gone to Mum's care: Gone

Emotional:

Rachel and Tom don't speak
Daniel mediates occasionally
Christmas together is unthinkable
Mum's grandchildren have taken sides

"We destroyed our family over a decision Mum should have made years ago. If she'd made an LPA when she was well, she'd have chosen her attorneys. She'd have set the terms. We'd have known what she wanted. There'd have been nothing to fight about."

What Judith Would Have Done

The tragic irony? All three siblings later agreed on what Judith probably would have chosen.

"Mum would almost certainly have appointed Rachel for day-to-day stuff—she's closest. Tom for big financial decisions—he's the accountant. Me as backup. She'd have wanted all of us involved somehow.

Instead, she got a stranger managing her money, and children who don't talk to each other. Because she never wrote it down."

The Children Pay Too

Rachel has two children. Tom has three. Daniel has two.

"My kids have lost their cousins. They used to play together every holiday. Now they barely know each other. That's on us—but it started with this fight."

The grandchildren ask why they don't see their aunts, uncles, and cousins anymore. The adults don't have a good answer.

The Message from the Mitchells

Rachel, Tom, and Daniel don't agree on much anymore. But they agreed to share their story:

"Rachel: Make your LPA while you can make your own choices. Don't leave your children to fight over who should help you.

Tom: Even if you think your kids will work it out, you're wrong. Nobody thinks their family will fall apart. Ours did.

Daniel: The money we spent on lawyers was Mum's money. Money for her care. Gone on our arguments. That's not what any of us wanted."

How LPA Prevents Family Disputes

If Judith had made LPAs, she would have:

Chosen her attorneys (ending any argument about who)
Specified how they should act (jointly? Independently?)
Set conditions if she wanted (consult all children, etc.)
Made her wishes clear (no room for "Mum would have wanted...")

The family might still have disagreed about care decisions. But they wouldn't have disagreed about authority—because Judith would have settled that herself.

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Warning Signs of Potential Family Disputes

Siblings with different relationships to parent
Historical family tensions
Different views on care (home vs. care home)
Geographical distance creating different involvement
One sibling feeling "in charge" without authority
Money concerns or inheritance expectations

If any of these apply, an LPA is even more essential.

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Creating an LPA to Prevent Disputes

When making your LPA, consider:

Naming multiple attorneys? Decide how they act (jointly/severally)

Adding guidance: "I want my attorneys to consult each other before major decisions"

Being clear: Write down your wishes so nobody can claim to speak for you

Discussing it: Tell your family your choices—so there's no surprise

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Don't Let This Be Your Family

The Mitchell family was normal. Loving. Close. Until they weren't.

The only person who could have prevented their breakdown was Judith—by making an LPA while she could.

Create Your LPA Today - Protect Your Family →