My Dad Refused to Get Power of Attorney: Then Dementia Took Over

My Dad Refused to Get Power of Attorney: A Son's Regret

*This is based on real experiences shared with us. Names and some details have been changed to protect privacy.*

"I'm Not Dead Yet"

For five years, James tried to convince his father to set up a Lasting Power of Attorney. The conversations always went the same way.

"Every Christmas, every birthday visit, I'd bring it up. And every time, Dad would get defensive. 'I'm not dead yet,' he'd say. 'I can manage my own affairs.' He saw it as giving up control. As admitting he was old. As me wanting his money."

Brian was 74 when James first raised the topic. A retired engineer, sharp as a tack, proud of his independence. He'd managed the family finances for 50 years. The suggestion that someone else might need to take over felt like an insult.

"He'd say, 'You're trying to put me in a home.' Or 'What's the rush? You'll get everything when I'm gone.' He completely misunderstood what an LPA was for."

The Early Signs

By 78, small things started to change.

"Dad missed a few bills. Unusual for him—he'd always been meticulous. Then I noticed he'd paid the same bill twice. Then his car insurance lapsed because he forgot to renew it."

James raised the LPA topic again. More gently this time. He explained it wasn't about taking over—it was about having the ability to help if needed.

"He got angry. Said I was treating him like a child. Told me to mind my own business. My sister said to leave it—that I was upsetting him."

So James left it.

The Decline

By 80, the changes were unmistakable.

"Dad started getting confused about dates. He'd call me about events that happened years ago as if they were yesterday. He got lost driving to the supermarket he'd been going to for thirty years. He forgot Mum's birthday—they'd been married 52 years."

James knew this was dementia. The GP confirmed it: early to moderate Alzheimer's disease.

"I thought, 'Now he'll understand. Now we can get the LPA sorted.' I was wrong."

The Cruel Irony

Here's what many people don't understand about LPAs and dementia:

You need mental capacity to create an LPA. You need to understand what you're doing, who you're appointing, and what powers you're giving.

By the time Brian's dementia was diagnosed, his capacity was already in doubt.

"I took the forms to him. Tried to explain. He'd nod, then ask what we were talking about. He couldn't remember who I wanted to be his attorney. He couldn't consistently tell me what an LPA was. He'd sign in the wrong place, then forget he'd signed at all."

A solicitor assessed Brian's capacity. The verdict was devastating: Brian could no longer make a valid LPA. He didn't understand the document he'd be signing.

"The window had closed. All those years of him saying 'not yet'—and now it was 'never.'"

The Court of Protection

With no LPA in place, James had only one option: apply to the Court of Protection for deputyship.

"I had to prove to a court that my own father couldn't manage his affairs. I had to provide medical evidence. Submit to checks. Pay fees. Wait months."

The costs:

• Application fee: £371
• Solicitor fees: £2,800
• Medical assessment: £600
• Security bond insurance: £300/year
• Annual supervision fee: £320/year

The time: Seven months from application to approval.

"For seven months, I had no authority to help Dad. His care needs were increasing. Bills were piling up. I was paying from my own pocket and hoping to be reimbursed eventually."

What Deputyship Really Means

Being a deputy isn't the same as being an attorney. It's more restrictive, more supervised, more bureaucratic.

"Every year I file detailed accounts with the court. Every major decision needs consideration of whether the court should be involved. I pay ongoing supervision fees. The court can question my decisions. It's not that I'm doing anything wrong—but I'm constantly being watched."

With an LPA: James would have had clear authority, trusted by his father, with no annual reporting.

With deputyship: James has court-imposed authority, ongoing fees, annual accounts, potential scrutiny.

The Hardest Part

"The hardest part isn't the money or the bureaucracy. It's knowing Dad could have prevented all of this. If he'd signed those forms when I first asked—when he was 74 and completely capable—none of this would have happened.

He didn't refuse because he didn't trust me. He refused because he didn't understand. He thought LPA was about dying. It's not. It's about living—living with protection."

What James Wishes He'd Done Differently

"I wish I'd pushed harder. I wish I'd brought in a solicitor to explain it. I wish I'd shown him what happens without one—maybe then he'd have understood.

But honestly? I wish we'd talked about it when he was 65, not 74. I wish it had just been part of normal planning, like making a will. By the time I raised it, he was already defensive about his age."

A Message to Families

"If you're reading this and your parents don't have LPAs, please don't wait. Don't assume there's plenty of time. Don't let their resistance stop you.

My dad wasn't being difficult. He was scared. He didn't want to admit he might need help one day. But that day came anyway—and because we weren't prepared, it was so much harder than it needed to be.

Have the conversation. Keep having it. Make it normal. Get it done before dementia makes it impossible."

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Key Takeaways

You cannot make an LPA after losing mental capacity

Dementia reduces capacity gradually—don't wait for a diagnosis

Parents often misunderstand what LPA means (it's not about death or taking over)

Court of Protection is the only alternative—and it's expensive and slow

The conversation is easier at 60 than at 80

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How to Talk to Reluctant Parents

• Frame it as "helping each other" not "taking over"
• Mention it's what YOU are doing for YOUR kids
• Explain it's like insurance—you hope never to use it
• Emphasise THEY choose who has authority
• Do your own LPAs to normalise it

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Don't Wait Until It's Too Late

If your parents still have capacity, help them create LPAs now. Before the window closes.

Get Started - LPAs From £74 →